I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
