my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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