u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
