i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
