I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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