i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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