If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
