do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
