Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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