I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
