Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
