This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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