i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
