I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
areolas are like halos for boobs.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
