nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
