Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
