Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
