my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
