my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dating After Heartbreak
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?