I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole