if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize