I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
