I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
