I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
