She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
