You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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