i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
