He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
