so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
