The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
where are my eyebrows?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
