I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
