Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
