I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
