So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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