I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
