If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
