I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
