I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
