I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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