My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Randomize
