I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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