Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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