I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
