thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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