You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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