I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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