Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
