Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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