how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the day after is always just damage control
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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