my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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