I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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