I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
