I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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