You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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