you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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