I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
