i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
