I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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