The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
