oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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